The Unseen Realm

Hmmm…I thought I’ve always pour out my heart content in blog but that’s not really true. There are so many things…so many things I cannot say because I fear it will offend certain people, touch some sensitive issue or make people hate me more than I already am. Lol…but since it’s the last entry….why not?

Let’s see…Venus is a tall thin gurl with ‘interesting’ temper. People like Yu Li and Vivien Than Suu Leng have the privilege to watch her grow from a monstrous Cina-speaking-11 yr old-rascal to a stern-no-life-prefect to completely-broken-form 6 gal till now…a curly-hair-uncontented-university student. This doesn’t make sense. One shouldn’t evolve as below:

                Monstrous rascal –> Devil-Prefect Tyrant –> Nurse 

I’ve been through a lot. Seriously. Most of them are not very happy story. I grew up wishing that there’s fairy tale which of course, turn out to be disaster for me. Life’s hard, I was a naughty kid, getting crap in studies. I hate my primary school life. I only have three friends…I dunno if they are friends because they taught me how to steal. I was in a smart class where everyone boycott not to speak to me - dun befriend the stupid girl who can’t speak english. I’m only known for my speed in sports (thanks to all the kerja-kerja session during lunch break). I used to look up to Choo Ching Yee, Renuga and Tan Xian Shi a lot. I wished I could speak English like them and flock around in the genius little group. How I hated myself in dirty uniform playing hide and seek while they laughed at my stupidity. Luckily I’ve transferred from Kajang to BTHO in std 4 where I meet kind and healthier people, people who influence me positively like Pei Wen, Yu Li and Vivien Than Suu Leng. I was given a second chance here and leave my past behind those laughing faces.

I scrapped through UPSR with fascinating results. That was when I taste the first victory (come on…kids have different definition of victory, okay). I went through primary and lower secondary school having a crush on my classmate who happened to be my son now. Starting from form 2..I dunno what got into me that I’ve turned into robot. I study, study and study. Speak only English and forgotten my mother tongue. I began to flock in a group of most intelligent girls in my school. See? History repeats itself. I resent those who looked down on me and now…having the power…muahahahahahha! I’ve made some friends (although the sincere friendships are actually some of my teachers) but I’ve made three scrolls of enemies. Anyway…still, being the best in school means nothing when I’m just a chinese gurl and my mom’s never in PIBG. Scoring max for PMR and SPM but what? No scholarship, no nothing. Have to scrap through STPM.

Form six was a total depressing event in my life. From prefect-president-secretary-treasurer and all those high posts I’ve held in school, I’ve fallen to nothing. Absolutely nobody. People in Yu Hua especially those Cina teacher hates Chinese who can’t speak Chinese, read Chinese and write chinese. Apparently, I’m that person. I tried becoming a senior prefect (name je gempak) but can’t make it because I was too ambitious. If I can’t make it to the top because I’m not an XY so forget it. I dun want to be under the leader I hate so much. Those who went form 6 with me saw how I struggled to be acknowledged. Life was difficult. Have a few crushes here and there but what the heck…I was in such a mess that I can’t do anything about it.

Anyway…scrapped through STPM with a miserable 3.75. Kay…I know some of my classmate will stranggle me for saying this but seriously…knowing my luck and my face, I can’t do anything without a 4.00. Without a 4.00 that STPM cert is practically void. See what I get? Perikanan! Can you believe it!? Perikanan! When I ‘rayu’ and they tell me dengan dukacitanya. When I show up at universities…you have no idea what those local U people tell me. ‘Takyah rayu, buang masa. Takkan dapat nye..’ Min Siang and Wei Aun were there to hold my fists. Seriously. I was so distress I could do some real damage. I gave up M’sia education system. I gave up Malaysia. My mission in life ever since was to get the hell out from this cow dung country and never look back.

So…I’m known as the girl who never made it. The girl who fought for everything but never get anything she wants. As a conclusion, I’ve been there, done that and all. The all-rounder who is not completely round. I am never the lucky one. I can work double the effort yet somebody else will be chosen. Did I say I wanted to be a model? Yeah, I’m tall but what does that make me? I’ve got people who took my pictures but never give back so I can never be a freelancer. I want to be a model, not a GRO thank you. These people kills modelling as a profession! I keep meeting jerks who pretended to be some big shots. Cey…do I look like an idiot with loe EQ. I’m not at all desperate, you know?  When I found her, I though things will change but no, she’s a jerk herself. So, medelling…out.

Next come my University life. I was given another chance to live…lol. I promised myself I have to change. I did…although nobody appreciates it but as long as I know I’m trying my level best. Working with new people and forgetting those disappointing thing left behind. Nursing is never what I want but as I’m known…the girl who never gets to do what she likes, I’ll scrap through yet again. I want to be a surgeon too. I can’t cause I’m not rich. I dun hav a dad with million dollars in the back. Nobody thinks I deserve a scholarship, no…not even an interview. ‘We just don’t want to know her’.All these tough news I’ve handled made a hard-to-know person. I’m all closed up because I don’t want to get hurt again. I can be happy at times…but not truly jovial. I’ve even got myself an abusive boyfriend who tried to mould me into his psyco fantasy superwoman. He’s as abusive as ever even after breaking up, saying all those crap in internet as though he’s the innocent angel who was cheated by an ungrateful she-demon. Whatever la, breaking up was the closest to perfect decision I’ve ever made in 2008. It was a mistake but a mistake I can learn something from - trough him, I know what I don’t want in a guy. I’m still angry by the way he treated me but most of all, I’m angry at myself who allowed myself to be treated that way. Then I though I’ve had a group of my own, a group of dancer but no, I’was never part of the team. If I was, they would have involve me in their discussion instead of letting me be the last to know. Disappointed and heart broken but nvm, I should have known better - I am no dancer. Why do I have a feeling I was the reason the lost the talent part…? Sheesh….solemn thoughts.

All these whiles, I’ve been mirroring everything I resent. I hated my primary school mates and I’ve studied my head off being the best student and a prefect. I hated those who talked bad about me, in front of me using english because I obviously so stupid I don’t undersand English that I strived so hard to speak only perfect english. I’ve joined parliamentary debate and all the competitions in the world to let those silver-spoon people know that I’m not a loser and that I can do it too. Lol…I’m doubtful about the perfect part but it’s alright so far. I hate those who showed off they can sing and dance so I strived to sing and dance too. I tried piano, violin and ballet. I picked up guitar hoping to serve as a musician but no…I’m not good enough. No matter what I do, I’m just not good wnough. all these rejections made me feel so ugly. I’ve become so defensive and sensitive. I’m not the popular one, not the pretty one, not the angelic nor the kind one. I’m just so not the ‘one’ with a positive word in front. Forever known as the bossy one, snobbish one, angry one, grumpy one. Perfectionist. Sigh…whatever la. At least I have an identity?

So…2009 is here. What’s in store for me? There’s ups and downs in life and can only hope for the best. One thing is, nobody can please everyone. For those who is popular, loved my many and receives praise everyday…it’s a gift, a privilege I’ll never have but yeah, everyone comes in unique package. Let’s just say I’m still finding myself. The only thing holding me together, caging the beast within is God. I don’t claim He’s all I need or something like that but yeah, in my personal walk, He’s there. He’s there when nobody else does. I still complain but yeah, I want to believe that there’s a reason for everything to happen. So…let’s count the blessing:

1. I got my family with me who are healthy except the fact that I’m paranoid about their health. I know they love me very much although I know they fear my temper too…

2. I have four healthy furballs mewing away at home.

3. I have a car where I can drive around whenever I like although not wherever I like.

4. I have a house with roof to lie my depressed head at night. A fridge stuffed with chocolates.

5. A coming-soon degree as a passport to leave this cow dung country.

6. A handful of sweet friends who know I’m not a bad person.

7. A boyfriend who gives me space to grow. Giving each other space to grow at their own timing and allowing space for each other to be oneself…tha’s love.

8. I have Yu Li, Vivien Tan Siew Ling and Vivian Loh with enlarged ventricle system a.k.a water in head. Lol…

There…bye bye friendster!